Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Voices in Sailor Playsuits

Dear Sailor Playsuit from River Island. You don’t know me very well and yet you know me all too well. You saw me watching you from across the room at your sexy pleats and adorable almost cosplay-esque charm. Damn you. You’ve made me want you  oh so much.

This playsuit has seduced me more successfully than any man. This happens to me because I love shopping and every piece of clothing and every slice of cake I crave adopts this oh-so-sensual voice that convinces me that not only do I desire them but I need them.

‘Oh Tasha, we both know you won’t be happy until I’m yours.’

This voice is one of the most powerful enemies that I have. Even more so because this enemy is the most trusted ally I have. This enemy is myself. The voice of temptation resides in the darker recesses of my psyche and she is one sexy son of a Freudian nightmare. I wish I was as adept in the art of persuasion as the voice in my head. I would have a lot more materially for damn sure.

If the voice was working for, instead of against me, I would have someone get the playsuit for me, then tell me how good I look in it, then go into the kitchen and make me a sandwich. I would be the mother of all pimpettes.

Unfortunately, as much as I have tried to learn from my foe, to imitate it, to manipulate it, all attempts have failed. It’s cruelty goes beyond dwindling away my bank balance. It also dwindles away my confidence. You see, every month we women get an unwanted visitor. It’s a necessary evil because it helps babies to happen. However, this leaves a gap in the defences and the voice changes its tactic.

There are the usual cries resounding ‘Give me cake or die pig!’ there is also a niggling little voice that punishes me.

‘You look a bit bloaty’ or ‘Your skin’s looked better’ are the most common phrases but sometimes it’s a more direct approach that gets beneath my skin.

‘Do some exercise you fat slag!’

So here is only one of a multitude of resolutions for 2012. This one a little late in the running but since it was Chinese New Year, I’m hijacking that occasion to launch a new intention. I’m going to take my evil temptation voice and twist it’s nipples until it works for me. So instead of saying ‘You need this, you can’t live without this.’

It’ll be seducing me in all the right ways.

‘Your hair is crazy shiny right now, bro!’

Instead of making me want to indulge my greed for material possessions, it will be helping me indulge my greed for my own spiritual enrichment. It’ll convince me that I’m awesome without the cake or the new wedges. In fact River Island will be privileged to have me as an advertisement wearing their sexy, sexy jumpsuit because I make it look good not the other way round.

As for the evil bitch voice in my head that says callous things about my eyebrows in the morning, I’m swapping it. It’ll still be as passive-aggressive or aggressive-aggressive as it ever was. But it’ll be screaming at me to jump out of bed and go for a jog. To follow through with plans. To get out of the house and not change my shoes for the third time because I’m going to be late for ‘insert appointment here’.

We have voices in our heads for a reason. To tell us to do the things we need to do. Somewhere along the line I let my voices do what the hell they want. Not anymore. Your voices should be working for you, not for River Island or Gregg’s. Take your voices by the balls, or preferred genitalia. Always remember, you run this mother…not them.


  1. This was highly seductive to my bits!

  2. I love the way you write its so sexy. You can have me and amy in your bed anytime if you carry on talking about cake in that manner!